Two election strategies
A winning campaign strategy: My opponent straps his dog to the top of his car. In school he bullied a boy who may have been a homosexual. His wife engages in elitist activities like riding horses. He thinks women should be pregnant and kept in binders, or pay for their own birth control prescriptions. He started a business, became very wealthy and put his money in “secret” off-shore accounts. He put people out of work and then their spouses died.
He wanted General Motors to go into bankruptcy without fascist government control. How could he expect to win Ohio without buying off auto unions, who would put those taxpayer dollars into his campaign like they did for me? He thinks the 47% of wage earners who pay no income taxes should take on the burden of helping the other half who aren’t paying their fair share. He doesn’t like my plan of pushing every citizen possible into the food stamp program and getting them permanent disability after their 99 weeks of unemployment run out.
He doesn’t believe we should be shutting down our coal plants so that “Under my plan of a cap and trade system, electricity rates would necessarily skyrocket.” He doesn’t think we should be placing moratoriums on drilling for our own oil and gas (like I do) then buying it from foreign countries with money borrowed from China.
He believes illegal immigrants should have to go through the legal process to come here to work and become citizens. He opposes my theft of $716 billion from Medicare to fund Obamacare. The past four years I have told you “...we as a people will get there.” I never explained where “there” is, but since we discovered things are much “worse than we thought”, I can report it is very far away. However, you can take comfort in the fact that our new slogan is “Forward”. Yes, Forward - that is where we need to go.
A losing campaign strategy: I think Roe vs. Wade is unconstitutional on a federal level. Abortion is a 10th Amendment issue. As governor of Massachusetts, I wanted more roles in my administration filled by women. I was supplied with binders (you know, the books with rings) containing the resumés of prospects. I don’t know why people thought I had women tied up in my closet.
My business took the risk of injecting capital into failing businesses in an attempt to save them. We were only 80% successful. My opponent misrepresented the 20% we couldn’t save. Those who lost jobs would have lost them even sooner, had we done nothing. Somehow they found out about my “secret” bank accounts. I guess they must have read my financial records.
I wanted to create an environment where every American would have the chance to experience the pride and self-satisfaction that comes with knowing at the end of the day, they did their part as a productive member of our society. What the heck was I thinking?